some of my thoughts...

this few days i have been doing alot of thinking.thinking of those test result and financial problems.this are only some thoughts.i also been thinking whether my hubby really have me in his heart? since jayden was born.he have been treating me quite cold.seem like he only have jayden in mind.i not jealous of jayden or what. i just want to konw when he still have me in his heart and mind.when i ask him " how heavy i am?" he replied,:"90plus".i heard.i was so sad and disappointed.now i know that in his mind i am a fat and ugly and have a bad health wife.he use to hold my hand when we go out.now i am walking behind him.sometime when i am in pain i call out for him,he never turn back,in fact, he still carry on walking.leaving me behind alone in pain.but i felt better when mummy told me that when he know that i got to undergo operation,he cried.that show that he still care and love me.i was so touch and happy.i asak him another question.whether who is more important to him?jayden or me?. he told me jayden.i wonder should i be happy or should i be sad upon knowing this.happy because he really love and care our son.or sad because i am no long 1st in his heart.i am so confuse.well,anyway,as long as he have me and our son in mind,i am very happy alredy.

on the 20th april,i have 2 check up.baby was carry over to mummy placeto look after.so that i can go for my check up with da jie and joanne.we went for lunch after the first check up which we are 1hr late.wa.. that moment when i starting eating,that is what i call food.finally i get the chance to taste what we call real food.i felt so happy when i go out whit da jie and joanne.not like everyday alone at home looking after jayden.but no choice he is my son.i have to look after him.i really miss those days where by da jie joanne cheryl xiao qian uncle and me, having mahjong and baking and cooking session.we were so happy and care free.but now i not long can enjoy this anymore.as i have to stay and home look after jayden.because baobei don't really like me bringing jayden over to go out with them.as he think that they always make me carry jayden alone to travel down to amk to meet them.why not they travel up to meet me and help me to bring jayden out.

sometime i really felt that i am like a hambergure.squeeze in between da jie they all and baobei.i have to please both side.i am really tired of doing this.i wonder how long more i can take it.will i break down suddendly?or will i carry on with this type of life?i wonder...can some one teach me what to do?