Not so smooth

Things has not been going smoothly for me... Whether is school, work, home, mind, body, luck and many many...

To be frank, i need to plan my future route. And to change my mindset in a lot of things...

Seriously, i need to clear all my debts... Really getting more and more stacking up... Baobei's medical bills.. Seriously dunno wad the hell is the social worker doing, keep asking us to delay payment and delay. Wait til the consolidated payment explode, i tink i really got to commit suicide to claim insurance to pay off everything. Saving is dried up, need to spend more time to work and perhaps go for part time job. But got to tink for baobei, cuz i NEED to spend time with her also.

Im seriously exhausted, really... Always being blamed for this and that, i am a sinful man, everything also my fault... Need to know how to handle this... I really hoped that one day i can win lucky draw, probably few hundred thousand dollars of prize money, i can settle everything.

I hate this country, everything also money and money. What is the government doing here, there are so many poor ppl needs help and all they do is to suck money from all the commoners, and getting FT in to snatch job from locals.

some of my thoughts...

this few days i have been doing alot of thinking.thinking of those test result and financial problems.this are only some thoughts.i also been thinking whether my hubby really have me in his heart? since jayden was born.he have been treating me quite cold.seem like he only have jayden in mind.i not jealous of jayden or what. i just want to konw when he still have me in his heart and mind.when i ask him " how heavy i am?" he replied,:"90plus".i heard.i was so sad and disappointed.now i know that in his mind i am a fat and ugly and have a bad health wife.he use to hold my hand when we go out.now i am walking behind him.sometime when i am in pain i call out for him,he never turn back,in fact, he still carry on walking.leaving me behind alone in pain.but i felt better when mummy told me that when he know that i got to undergo operation,he cried.that show that he still care and love me.i was so touch and happy.i asak him another question.whether who is more important to him?jayden or me?. he told me jayden.i wonder should i be happy or should i be sad upon knowing this.happy because he really love and care our son.or sad because i am no long 1st in his heart.i am so confuse.well,anyway,as long as he have me and our son in mind,i am very happy alredy.

on the 20th april,i have 2 check up.baby was carry over to mummy placeto look after.so that i can go for my check up with da jie and joanne.we went for lunch after the first check up which we are 1hr late.wa.. that moment when i starting eating,that is what i call food.finally i get the chance to taste what we call real food.i felt so happy when i go out whit da jie and joanne.not like everyday alone at home looking after jayden.but no choice he is my son.i have to look after him.i really miss those days where by da jie joanne cheryl xiao qian uncle and me, having mahjong and baking and cooking session.we were so happy and care free.but now i not long can enjoy this anymore.as i have to stay and home look after jayden.because baobei don't really like me bringing jayden over to go out with them.as he think that they always make me carry jayden alone to travel down to amk to meet them.why not they travel up to meet me and help me to bring jayden out.

sometime i really felt that i am like a hambergure.squeeze in between da jie they all and baobei.i have to please both side.i am really tired of doing this.i wonder how long more i can take it.will i break down suddendly?or will i carry on with this type of life?i wonder...can some one teach me what to do?

Something happened which make me sad and miserable.....

My dearest wife, Brenda was admitted into hospital on 27 March 2010. She having complaint with shoulder and stomach/gastric pain while having lunch at Malaysia. We was about to go to batu bahat for a walk with mummy after 2nd aunt funeral. She was in a great pain til we have to gather resource to send her back to Singapore Hospital.
Mummy and me spent 600++ to get someone to lend us a car and help us drive to Singapore. We reach KK hospital at 6 plus and she was immediately inspected. I phoned for her mum to come over. She was sent to do some ultrasound scanning. Was briefed with surcharge due to after office hr. The indian nurse was not caring enough and she hurt baobei's arm quite a few times. And also i got to help her to push this and that. Seriously bad service. After all the test and inspection, doctor told us that she will be send to TTSH as this is not related to O&G related problem. They have arranged an ambulance to send baobei to TTSH. Baobei told me that the indian nurse and the indian radiology was sort of flirting inside the ultrascan room. Baobei was shouting pain and yet they can carry on chatting without concerning about baobei's condition. I wrote a feedback regarding about their shitty service. Not the first time encountering indian nurse corked up. Before we went up to ambulance, i have to settle partial bills... I didnt expected the bill will added up to 600++ with 10 tests done. This time round really fall into financial crisis liao. Left with no choice, i settle partial payment and we proceed to TTSH.

We reach TTSH at 11pm. Registered at the A&E dept. Baobei was pushed in and did some ECG testing. We waiting til 12+ before she was attended. Doctor told us that it was probably the gallstone causing the pain and the nerve at the shoulder was affected. She was given a strong painkiller and told that we can go home when the pain is gone. I didnt trust the doctor and i requested to admit baobei into the ward, luckily the doctor heed our advice. As we were told that there will be no more free bed in the C / B2 ward, we need to arrange baobei to a temporary bed which is located at a wierd corner of the ward. I requested with a all-female ward for baobei and the nurse replied ok. Baobei will only transfer to a normal bed after there is available bed. I have checked the waiting list, and there are 20++ ppl on the waiting list in front. But we got no choice, so i asked baobei and she is ok with the arrangement. So baobei was pushed up to the ward around 2am. I went to see the "temp" bed and i realised that the bed was in front of a men-ward. With all the dirty looking old fellow lying inside, i really scare and i faster complaint to the nurse. I told them i requested with a all-female ward and why they gimme such a location. They replied that the bed is in a corner with no ppl, but i keep telling them off. They seriously dun understand what is all-female ward. again, its a indian nurse again. I starting to hate them. She called and request for another bed change. In 15min time, a phone call back from the admin and we got a bed change finally. This time, its really a all-women ward, and baobei was asleep from her pain.

See her screaming in pain making me feeling unbearable. Doctor came and asked a lot of question and blah blah blah. Im seriously tired and i take a short nap. I tink baobei went for scanning again while i was asleep on the chair. Doctor told us that there is something in the stomach and they need to arrange for a operation asap. My MIL heard and she was crying. I see baobei with so many needles poked into her body, i cant help but break into tears also. She was just 21 and she got to face this kind of problem. My family members advised her so many times that she need to control her diet, her food intake and her daily activities. She dun wan to listen and yet she keep complaining and quarreling with me. For the past few months, to be frankly speaking, i trying to tolerate her. I feel that she was too sensitive on certain thing. I told baobei abt it, she was quite remorse abt it. She promised me a lot of times that she will change, but she never do it. Just really hoped this time she really will change. Cuz her action is slowly breaking my family apart.

I really scare seeing baobei in such a great pain. Telling myself not to cry, but still cant. My heard really pain, seeing her like that really making me feeling so miserable. At 5.30pm, she entered into the Operation Theatre. I went home after that to unpack while waiting phone call from hospital once the operation end. I reached home around 6.45am, mummy and sister slping at living room with baby jayden. Mummy asked me on her condition, she also sighed. She say why baobei dun want to listen to her advice, probably this will not happened. She also repremand me for not controling baobei food intake. I pack all the stuff til around 9am, where the operation is about to end. Think im too tired, i fall asleep on the bed with half of my body on the chair. 10am, FIL called and ask me rest, i was so kan chiong and heard that the operation was success. I finally can leave my mind in peace.

Went to hospital at 12, went to OT with SN tay bring me in. Saw baobei with more tube and needles in her body. I almost fainted, i guess she is really suffering. Sometime i was wondering, if initially i never met her, and we never get married, she probably wont encounter this. I was told she was operated for stomach ulcer. I only can seriously pray hard that she can get well soon...

Happy and Headache day

Today bring jayden go AH with mummy to see specialist. After everything we go IKEA for dinner. Baobei and me went out after bring baby home.

The moment we come back home, we saw baby throwing temper and keep crying... no matter wad we do also cannot calm him down... after quite some time, i start to hymm some songs and he slowly calm down...

I hymm and sing song for him for 1 whole hr. I start to talk to him... I said "kiss papa"... and he really did. Serious, i never bring his face to me. He just bring his face to my face and move back, like any other child who kiss their parent on the face or cheek. The kind of feeling is really unable to explain... so happy..

Today, i open out the new diapers i bought which is M size. Let him try for 1 night... seemed like the S size cannot fit already. He is only 2 month, yet he can reach abt 5kg++... I can predict that he will reach 10kg in another half year time.

Baby growing progress

Jayden have been growing fast. just 2 mth plus already 5kg plus. At least now he is slightly easier to taking care at night. So tired... Never sleep more than 4 hours per day for many weeks liao. Also got to rush my FYP...

Today is the day when Jayden collect his passport. Now he is free to go around the world. His photo in the passport looks so fierce and chubby. Looking forward to the day where his neck got the strength to keep still.

2nd month le...YeaH!

time pass so fast, my son jayden is 2 month old now. looking back,when he was born, he was only 2.7kg, now he is about 6kg. he is growing very fast. the nurse back in odoc say that he is a bit over weight. but i thought that baby suppose to be chubby and fat.but seriously i also think that we a bit over feed him.because his clothes which he wear when he is new born, now cannot wear le. now he is wearing 6 to 9 month old the clothes. oh my god. he start sleep less and wake up more if some one plays with mi. he start to know find mi and stick to mi. haiz if he really stick to mi, i wont be able to go out and work. looking after jayden is very challenging as u have to know his partten. it is quite tiring a job.i seriousily tired out myself..

time pass so fast.

time pass very fast, oour little jayden is now 1 month 11days old, weighting about 5.1kg. carrying him everyday is like carrying a bag of 5kg rice everyday.he brought happiness to our family everyday. seeing him growing bigger and strong and chubby everyday. i felt so happy. can't believe that i am a mother le.we are so proud to have him as our son. he is so cute. jayden, mama papa love you alot. hope u can gromw up fast, strong and healthy. muackz.

our little prince Jayden Ngeo Jun Xiang. PaPa & MaMa love you alots alots.

our little prince Jayden has make our family very happy. he like the highlight of the day. No matter how tired we are, as long as he open his eyes look at us, smile at us. All our hardship and worries we all forgot le. Time passes very fast. It is almost 3 week le. Jayden is now weighting about 3kg plus. i am so happy to see him grow and feed well. In the first place i was quite worry that he not growing as he was not feeding well. Due to the some reason he is not drinking his milk. me and baobei were so worry.Jayden have been very brave. He have been through so much. I as a mother see him like this i felt so heart pain. cannot hold back my tears. He is so small and young and yet he had to be poke here and there. bao bei and me see le so heart pain. Jayden, mama and papa will do every thing and any thing for you. you are mama and papa little prince. you must be healthy and strong. mama and papa love you lot lot. muackz..

A new member....

Our baby, has arrived to this world on 09 January 2010, 2323hrs. Joy, happiness that he have brought to us as a gift is unable to represent by words. Weighed at 2.735kg. He is considered a very healthy baby despite he is slightly early by 6 weeks.

Baby, i am really proud of u. I will take good care of you. Thanks god.....

the 7th month of pregnancy.

times flies very fast.it has been 7 month le.baby is on his way coming to this world le.alot of things to buy and plan. mi and bao bei still thinking of name for baby. he is our little prince.we love him so much.baby this few month he become more and more active.he like to turn and kick.one little playful boy.but no matter how playful he is, he is still mi and bao bei fruit of love and our little prince. another 83 days he is coming le.feeling so excited.wonder are we ready to be parent. how will baobei react when he first see baby?will he be happy excited or what? they are my everything. i love them very much. muackz...

Brother's wedding.

Last sunday. Its my brother's wedding. Our wedding is just 4 months apart. So happy that i can go attend his wedding. Our family officially have one more new members. He held his wedding at Sime Darby Convention Centre in KL.

Time passed so fast. Thinking of the past. How last time we live together 20 years ago. Thinking back, i really miss those time that we all live together. However, i sincerely wish my kor and my sao sao happily forever.

Preparation....

Time flies and we been married for 3 months plus. We got a lot of preparation for baby arrival. Nearly all baby stuff have been ready. I need to personally buy baby's clothes at least 1 or 2 sets when he discharge from hospital. I actually thinking names for baby. A bit headaches. Cuz i wan my baby name to be unique. Probably tink a few names den ask baby when he is born, see which name he will respond to.

For the past few weeks i having term break as my exam finish. Tried my best to spend as much time for baobei. My sch term starting soon, gonna start mugging every night again. Ke lian de bao bei. FYP starting also. Lagi worst. I know baobei will support me de =)

I been trying to clear my IPPT for this year as well, so now undergoing IPT. So after this session cleared, at least for the rest of the year i dun need to worry anymore. Once baby come out, i can accompany him more. I dun wish for more, just hoped my dearest baby can be very very very healthy. Thats all i want.

Its a boy!!!

On 5th oct,monday. the day we go scan the gender of baby. baobei could not concentrate studying for his exam as he is too excited. we went for breakfast around our house then went home and prepare.everyone were calling us to check on baby gender. finally the doctor called my name. its my turn to scan.first the doctor scan for baby legs hand heart kindey lungs stomach eyes mouth and i ask doctor whether is a boy or girl. doctor say its a bit hard to tell as baby cover it slighty. but the doctor shake baby a little and ask baby to move baby leg and just nice, let us scan till his little bird bird. haha.. then doctor comfirm baby is a boy.baobei and i were so happy. we call mummy mother daddy ah ma da jie and gan ma to tell them the new. everyone are happy for us. i felt that since the time bao bei know that baby is a boy,he become more like a father. he react to my reaction very fast once i tell him that baby is kicking mi. he talk to baby more often.this whole week he is not working. he took mi our for breakfast lunch and dinner.this week is the most happy time through out my 5 month plus pregnancy even though he got to study. sitting beside him seeing him study i am very happy le. finally there is someone who can carry down baobei surname le.i going to give birth to as many as i can to carry on his family line. i love baobei and baby, got to start thinking of name for baby le.. haha...

feeling so excited..

Tomorrow 5th oct, the day we will kown whetherv baby is a boy or a girl.alot of people saying that baby is a boy as my stomach is sharp pointed one. i also have this feeling that baby is a boy. but doesn't matter. boy or girl is still my and bao bei's baby. our fruit of love. but i really hope to give birth to a baby boy for baobei so that there is at least someone to carry down his surname. i don't mind under going everything, the injection and check ups and pian all over again just for baobei.i want to tell baobei that if this baby is a boy. i won't stop at one baby only. we can try for another one. as long as we can afford to bring them up, i don't mind giving as many as up to 5 babies. as long as you and everyone happy can le. i scare tonight i can't sleep. too excited le. think baobei also have the same feeling.this few day baobei had been busy rushing his homework till he fall sick le. my poor bao bei. sick le still got to study for exam and work to earn money for mi and baby.

some thoughts.....

baobei have married me for 1 mth plus le... i believe she is getting used to our life. i kinda scare that she might dislike this new lifestyle she will be going thru. She is going to spent more than half of her life time with me and our family. She did well and i believe she will be doing better... She cooked dinner for us and i think its very nice, not becuz the food is ultimately delicious, but it tasted of love and caring of a future mother. I really appriciated for wad she is doing... I love you lao po.

the scare of my life

on the 4th of sep,when i was waiting for bus 133 to amk hub to meet da jie uncle and ah jo. i broaded the bus 133. the bus driver did not wait till i get a seat to sit down and he just drive off like this. casing mi to hit my tummy against the handle of the seat. my tummy was so painful at tt monent. then i tot it was ok. i told bao bei about it and baobei went to send SBS a feedback. the incharge call mi to checxk on mi in the late afternoon and got some infomation from mi to investigate the case and promise to get back to mi. today is already 9th of sep, and yet i get no new form them. last night 8th sep, i took bus 100 to serangoon to change bus home. when i was alighting from the bus i miss my step and fall off the bus as behind the china people rushing mi to alight. i fall and hurt my left kneel and right ankle. two woman help mi up and called bao bei. bao bei rush down and bring mi home. during midnight my stomach was so painfuul, so we went to kkh to see doc. we waited abt 2 hr to see doc. doc show bao bei baby. baby is fine. thank god baby is fine. but i am in pain. i felt very sorry to baobei casing him whole night never sleep and next day he got to go to work.baobei i really sorry to make u worry.

4 month le. times really flies.

on the 1st sep, baby is already 4 month big le. another 5 month he or she is coming out le. so excitied. but this few day i wonder what went wrong in me? mood swing or what, don't feel like eating anything at all, feeling tired easily. i can really feel baby turning or kicking real hard inside mi. i feel cramps at the hip and legs. so painful till one moring i was unable to wake up and make breakfast for baobei and his sis. but i still climb up in pain and make for him to eat. but his sis comment on alot of thing. which i am very unhappy with. but beacase she is my baobei sis i got to bear with it. i really hope that baby can be born healthly and grow up happly.i love my hubby and baby alot. they are my everything. i willing to give up everything including my life for them. muackz

the 1st month of wedding

today is the 1st month full month of wedding.i was wondering. why i suddenly feel so moody and don feel like doing anything. everyone got a job. but not me. try so applying so many job and none reply. got thing of giving up and stay at home study well and get good result. but i also scare that bao bei got to work extra hard.alot of thing wanted to do. but no one accompany mi to do.everyday lunch got to cook for myself. hate it so much. look for someone to accompany mi lunch also hard. i wonder wat am i doing and wat i can do. go out got to spent money stat home all alone.. i can feel that baobei really love mi and baby. everything he do is for mi and baby. i am so touch. but i see him working so hard. i feel very heart pain. bao bei i really love u.. happy 1st month wedding anniversary..

going one month of marriage..

first few month of marriage suppose to be wonderful and sweet. this doesn't apply to my wedding at all, i don't feel sweet and wonderful at all in fact i felt lonely and and like a bird which is lock in the cage. no where i can go but staying at home "RESTING" and doing all the housework. baobei and mother expect mi to do all housework and go no where but staying at home. i know they worry for mi but all i want is to be like last time. where i go no one control. i felt tt i am like a pet got to wait for baobei free then i get the chance to go out. baobei busy all day all time 24hr a day 7 days a week 4 week a month. all he do was to work come home accompany his mother and do his homework and then sleep. hardly ask mi what i have done the whole day and what i really want to do. he only knows how to accompany his family. ask him to go over to my side for the family together with mi. he always push away or find excuse not to go. since tt day we got marry till now he have not gone home with mi to see my family or spent time with my family. spenting time with my family is a waste of time to him. only spenting time with his family is not waste of time. i miss my family so much. but who will understand. not even the person who i call baobei knows. all he know is tt i marry over to his family and i cannot go back to my family and be with them. some time i really think this marry is not want i really want.we get marry cas i have a baby in mi we are force to get marry. how stupid i am to believe that i will feel happy when i get married.now i kown why so many people in singapore don want to get marry and tie down. cas marrying in to a family who husband only listen to his mother but not u and only want to accompany his side of his family but not ur side of family and expcet u to do the same thing is like a hell to u. its like cutting everything or taking everything away from u suddenly after u had spent 20 plus years of ur life with them away. who will understand how i feel? no one. who i can tell? tell baobei? no way. tell mummy and daddy or da jie? no way. they will worry. i don want them to get worry but wat elas can i do but to bottle everything in my heart and not letting anyone know about it.using baby products which mother fren grandchildren used make mi feel tt my baby is like a rubbish collector. i know they want to save money. but not till the limit tt baby pram also got to use other pple use before one then give to my baby use.even the container which contain milk powder one also use other pple use before one. bed also high chair also. is it like rubbish collector. other pple give birth i also give birth. other pplr baby can have brand new things, why cant my baby have too. just cas his or her mummy is useless and cannot get a job to earn money and provide him or her with good stuff and life. i am a useless mum.

this is how i felt

first few month of marriage suppose to be wonderful and sweet. this doesn't apply to my wedding at all, i don't feel sweet and wonderful at all in fact i felt lonely and and like a bird which is lock in the cage. no where i can go but staying at home "RESTING" and doing all the housework. baobei and mother expect mi to do all housework and go no where but staying at home. i know they worry for mi but all i want is to be like last time. where i go no one control. i felt tt i am like a pet got to wait for baobei free then i get the chance to go out. baobei busy all day all time 24hr a day 7 days a week 4 week a month. all he do was to work come home accompany his mother and do his homework and then sleep. hardly ask mi what i have done the whole day and what i really want to do. he only knows how to accompany his family. ask him to go over to my side for the family together with mi. he always push away or find excuse not to go. since tt day we got marry till now he have not gone home with mi to see my family or spent time with my family. spenting time with my family is a waste of time to him. only spenting time with his family is not waste of time. i miss my family so much. but who will understand. not even the person who i call baobei knows. all he know is tt i marry over to his family and i cannot go back to my family and be with them. some time i really think this marry is not want i really want.we get marry cas i have a baby in mi we are force to get marry. how stupid i am to believe that i will feel happy when i get married.now i kown why so many people in singapore don want to get marry and tie down. cas marrying in to a family who husband only listen to his mother but not u and only want to accompany his side of his family but not ur side of family and expcet u to do the same thing is like a hell to u. its like cutting everything or taking everything away from u suddenly after u had spent 20 plus years of ur life with them away. who will understand how i feel? no one. who i can tell? tell baobei? no way. tell mummy and daddy or da jie? no way. they will worry. i don want them to get worry but wat elas can i do but to bottle everything in my heart and not letting anyone know about it.using baby products which mother fren grandchildren used make mi feel tt my baby is like a rubbish collector. i know they want to save money. but not till the limit tt baby pram also got to use other pple use before one then give to my baby use.even the container which contain milk powder one also use other pple use before one. bed also high chair also. is it like rubbish collector. other pple give birth i also give birth. other pplr baby can have brand new things, why cant my baby have too. just cas his or her mummy is useless and cannot get a job to earn money and provide